Your loved one may not have said much about the years they served. Maybe the stories come out only at a late dinner, or only when an old song comes on. Now the time is short, and you wonder if you should ask, and whether it would mean anything if you did. Somewhere in a drawer there may be a worn cap and a handful of photos of young faces squinting in the sun.
You might not know the best way to honor your loved one for Veterans Day. Try asking for a story and bringing out the old photos. Then put a flag where your loved one can see it, and invite a note from someone who served beside them. You don’t have to do anything big, but encouraging someone to share their memories makes them feel loved, valuable, and appreciated.
Why Does It Matter to Honor a Veteran in Hospice?
For many people, the years they served were among the biggest of their lives, and few people ever asked about them. Being asked, and being thanked by someone who means it, can bring a quiet pride and sense of meaning and accomplishment. It can also give your loved one a way to look back on a whole life, with the illness as only a small part of it.
Small Touches to Set The Mood
Set their old unit cap or branch cap by the bed, or ask if they would like to wear it. Play the songs from their young years. If they kept medals, lay them on a tray where they can see them, and ask first before you touch them. A guest can simply say thank you for your service and mean it. These small things are easy, and they count.
How Do You Start the Conversation?
Begin with something light and easy to answer. Ask what job they had, or who their closest friend in the service was. Let one question lead to the next, and do not rush. If they tell a story you have heard a dozen times, hear it again as if it were new. Ask if you may record it on your phone, since the story will matter to your children and grandkids later, and hearing it in your loved one’s own voice makes it that much more special.
What If They Don’t Want to Talk About It?
Then leave it be. War can leave heavy things behind, and some people keep that part closed. Many will still talk about the people they knew and the funny things that happened, even if they will not talk about the fighting. Follow where they go. If a story stirs up fear or anger, stay calm and move to something gentle, then tell the nurse or the social worker so the team can help.
How Can Photos Help?
Pull out the old photos and sit close to your loved one. Ask who is in each one and where it was taken, and write the names on the back or on a sticky note. A photo of a young face can bring a story out of someone who has been quiet for days. If your loved one has dementia, a photo may reach them when words do not. Frame one or two of their favorites and set them where your loved one can see them from the bed.
How Do You Find Someone Who Served Beside Them?
Start by asking your loved one for names. If they cannot say, look through old address books and letters for a name you can try. A friend or child may know a group that still keeps in touch. You can also ask the hospice team whether a volunteer who served might come by for a visit. Time may be short, so ask the person to write by hand and send it right away, or to send a photo of the note.
What If Your Loved One Is Confused or Cannot Speak?
Hearing often stays with us late in life, so talk to them as if they can hear you. Tell their story aloud and hold a hand while you read the notes from friends. A song from their years may bring a smile or a squeeze of the fingers. You do not need a reply for the gesture to matter.
Can Children and Grandkids Take Part?
Yes, and they often do it well. A child can draw a card or ask a plain question such as “What was your job?” Kids ask without fear, and people who served often light up for them. Visits like these can also be a great way to teach kids what the holiday is about, and why serving your country matters.
How Do You Keep the Stories Alive?
Write them down while they are fresh, or save the clip. Print a few photos with the names on them. Share the stories with the grandkids when they are old enough to hold them. A story told to someone who cares to hear it is a gift to both of you.
This can also be a great opportunity to take advantage of our Volunteer program. We love to help capture the stories your loved ones want to share, and it is completely free for our patients.