The stores put out their holiday decor before the kids have even gone trick or treating, and you stand in the aisle doing math you never thought you’d have to do.
In your head, you count the weeks against a day on the wall. Will your loved one still be here when Thanksgiving or Christmas comes around? Will they be cognisant enough to understand what is going on?
Then comes a thought that makes you a bit sad: “What if we did the holidays now, just in case?”
It may feel uncomfortable or weird, but just know that many people in your situation move the day, and it is completely OK. Holidays belong to the people in the room, so you can hold them whenever your loved one is awake and able to enjoy them. If your loved one is here and doing well today, today is a fine time to gather.
How Do You Know When to Move the Day?
Look at the good hours. If your loved one sleeps more and the good hours are getting shorter, those hours are worth guarding. Ask the nurse what they think the next few weeks might bring. Obvioulsy, the nurse cannot give you a date, but the team has walked this road before and can tell you which signs to watch for. Plans made early give you room to change them.
Why Do You Feel So Guilty About It?
Moving the day can feel like saying out loud that time is short. It can feel like giving up, or like spending a future that is not yet spent.
But really, the guilt is just a sign of how much you love this person. Ask yourself what your loved one would say if you asked them directly. Many would rather have the day than wait for it.
Should You Ask Your Loved One First?
Yes, if they can talk with you. It is their day too, and some people hold strong wishes. A few words can open the door, such as we would love to have family Thanksgiving or Christmas with you while you are feeling good.
You do not have to say more than that unless they ask. If they bring up the fear behind it, listen and let them lead.
What If Your Loved One Does Not Want a Celebration?
Then you follow their lead. Some people find an early day too sad or too tiring, and some feel it hurries something they are not ready for. Many are not quite ready to face the inevitable, and they will feel like you are pressuring them.
Perhaps they would be ok with a family gathering that wasn’t labeled “Thanksgiving” or “Christmas.” A beautiful dinner with family can be just as meaningful no matter what it is named. And if a meal is too much, perhaps just an afternoon gathering of sharing memories together would be enough.
What If Other Loved Ones Disagree?
One person may say it is too soon, and someone else may say it feels like a goodbye. Both feelings come from love. Try asking, what would we regret more? Many people find the answer is waiting.
If the group cannot agree, you could perhaps hold two days: a small early one now, and another on the real date if your loved one is still here. Then no one has to lose.
And if your family really can’t agree and it feels too triggering, you can ask the social worker or spiritual care coordinator to sit down with you all.
How Do You Plan a Gentle Holiday?
Pick the hour your loved one is strongest, which is often the morning. Keep the day short, and set up a quiet place to rest nearby. Invite a few people at a time instead of a crowd. Ask the nurse about the timing of pain pills so comfort comes first. Seat your loved one close to the middle of things, with a blanket and a cup within reach. Let gifts be small, and let your loved one open one at a time if they like.
What Can You Do to Make the Day Count?
First of all, the day counts because it happened. It doesn’t need a big production or some pre-planned outcome to be “worth it.” So release yourself from the pressure to perform, and just think about what you and your loved one would find most meaningful.
Make the dish they always made, or ask them to talk you through it. Play the song they sing along to. Ask each guest to read a short note aloud, or to write one for later. Take a photo of the table and of the hands around it. Ask your loved one to tell one story from long ago, and record it on your phone.
It is the love and memories that matter most.
What About the Real Day?
The real day still arrives, and it may feel strange whether your loved one is here or not. If they are still here, enjoy that you get a second round of celebrations with them (and a quiet one is plenty).
If they have passed, many people find that having held the day early is a comfort. Set a place at the table or tell a story. You do not have to put on a show.
Will the Day Feel Sad?
Often it will, and that’s ok. But it may also feel glad, too. Tears and laughter can share the same room. If your loved one grows worn out, just end the day early and let that be fine. A short, warm day beats a long, strained one.
What Can the Hospice Team Do to Help?
Ask the nurse about the best hour of the day and what to watch for. Ask whether someone from the team (like the spiritual care coordinator) can join you for a song or a blessing. The social worker can help the people close to you talk it through, and a volunteer may be able to sit with your loved one while you set the table. There may even be volunteers available to help you prepare the meal or to clean up afterwards so you can just enjoy your time with your family.
Remember, there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to holidays or hospice. And planning holidays when everything else feels so chaotic can be hard. Take it one day at a time, participate in our Caregiver Support Group when you need to, and take advantage of all the help your hospice has to offer you.